


Breaker

by Gasian_Gaond



Category: BABYMETAL
Genre: Established Relationship, F/F, RPF, Romance, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-08-22 00:36:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16587350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gasian_Gaond/pseuds/Gasian_Gaond
Summary: The greatest challenge of all is facing your own self





	Breaker

" _Be sure to look us up from time to time."_

_"You're not angry with me...?"_

_"Well...why would I? I love you, Yui. I wouldn't mind your decision."_

_"But, Moa...I am causing so much trouble..."_

_"Trouble to whom?"_

_"To you...to everyone..."_

_"How many times have I said it to you? I don't mind. What else should I do to make you believe me...?"_

 

* * *

 

It's a make-or-break time for Babymetal.

If they can get out of this successfully, they will continue to be one of the best bands in the world.

If they can't, then it would be the end for them.

For them...but not for me.

The guilt I have been feeling for the whole year is beyond words.

However, Su and Moa have been nothing but supportive.

We have known for each other for nearly half our lives, nothing can make us feel a grudge on each other anymore.

Even something as huge as me leaving the group.

We still hang out a lot, catching up with each other's lives, talking about trivial stuff.

"You know what they said...? 'Faulty items should be returned to the manufacturers', so I did, but then when I arrived there they said I shouldn't! It was so confusing," Su grumbles.

"That sounds like bad customer service," I comment.

"It is. You bet I won't buy anything from them anymore."

It would be a fairly uneventful morning if Su didn't suddenly ask me out for ice cream. She told me that future plans for Babymetal are going to be clearly mapped out after my departure, but she never really revealed the details.

Because I told her not to.

I am an outsider now.

I have no right to know.

"You know what I think, Yui?" she says, putting a spoonful of vanilla ice cream in her mouth.

"What is it?"

"Stop punishing yourself already."

I look down to my legs.

I've heard that many times, but this is the first time I heard it from Su.

"Just relax!"

"I can't!" I say to her.

She frowns at me. "We'll be okay. And you'll be okay!"

"We don't know that!"

"Everything will be fine! We've discussed about this!"

"I'm not you or Moa, I can't just move on!"

She suddenly stands up, nearly startling me.

"...don't..." she mutters, "...say that about Moa."

That is when I realized I have gone too far.

"Su-chan..."

"I am sorry, I have to go back."

She leaves some money and briskly walks away, her ice cream barely touched.

As I stare down at mine, I notice there are holes on it made by small drops of water.

The same drops of water that have run down my cheeks merely seconds before.

* * *

Yuimetal's identity inside of me has always been marked off with a white line.

I had been told the whole time that I was going to play a character, and Yuimetal was her name.

It was like donning a superhero identity.

She was me, but at the same time, she was not.

And she was going to be marketed as such.

At least that was how it was supposed to be, for years to come.

For the first few days after the verdict, I suffered from nightmares.

It was like an out-of-body experience.

I kept seeing Yuimetal in my sleep, walking side by side with Su and Moa. I then realized how impossible that situation was, and every time I would rush forward, catching up to them, before putting my hand on her shoulder and asked.

_"Who are you...?"_

But as her head slowly turned to look at me... the dream vanished into darkness, and I would wake up covered in sweat.

That was back then.

It shouldn't be bothering me anymore.

I  _wish_  it was not bothering me anymore.

After the news was revealed to the public, I couldn't meet with Su and Moa, at least until the concerts are over.

People who know us are waiting in every corner trying to ask what happens and how we feel.

We cannot be seen together, we cannot walk anywhere together, and they keep getting busier as it gets closer and closer to concert days.

I can only speak with Moa through the phone.

I never tell her about any of this, or else she would worry too much. She doesn't need more burden on top of what she's already dealing with.

"It feels weird," she would say.

"What is?"

"Not having you here beside me," she answers, "And it's been awhile since I practiced with so many people on stage."

"By people, do you mean cute girls?" I tease.

"What do you...I...that's not...Yui...!"

I give her a small laugh.

"Admit it. Two of them are younger than you and much less experienced than you are. You probably feel a bit like you are a student council president again."

I can hear the exasperation in her sigh. "Yui, you just know me too well."

"I'm not your girlfriend for nothing," I say, "You always like fussing over those younger ones."

"Saya-chan is okay, Kotono-chan is...well, Kotono-chan is Kotono-chan. She's so dreamy, and would ask me stuff like 'Moa-chan, when will you get married? ?'"

"Oh my goodness, really? ?" I chuckle, "What did you answer?"

"I said I'm not the marrying kind."

"You liar."

"I'm not out to her...!"

"Well, you can always reply, there is someone I want to marry someday."

"Yeah, right, and never reveal who it is for the next ten years," she grumbles, "And then Saya-chan comments that she can't see me marrying a guy."

"Ahaha...!"

"By the way, she used to live in a village," she continues, "She told us a lot of things, like that time she taught me this tasty soup recipe that is a mash of grain and vegetables. She said she could even watch cows grazing on the marshes from her bedroom window...!"

I listen to her stories while smiling to myself. It's a bit painful that I don't know these people, while Su and Moa do. But Moa is always able to put a positive spin on anything. She's just amazing like that.

Even so, I still remember Su's words about her and wonder about how much she has suffered behind my back.

No matter what she says...no matter how kind she is to me... I still made her deal with the aftermath of my departure.

I want to do something for her.

There has to be something...

"...it's kind of a shame you can't go to Australia though..."

I can hear the vague disappointment in her voice. It's the first time I can hear it clearly.

Something clicks inside my mind at that moment.

"Um...Moa..." I say quietly, "Do you want to...go somewhere after the concerts are over...?"

 

* * *

 

The girl standing in front of me is masked.

It is a pitch black fox mask, unlike the ones we usually used in our concerts.

It was like staring at myself in the mirror many years ago: the twin tails, the red-and-black outfits, the glove on her right hand.

She stands there in the void, silent, unmoving, and I can feel cold sweat running down my back.

Then I hear my own younger voice from behind that mask, echoing inside of my mind like temple bells.

" _When did you decide that I must die...?"_

I was completely taken aback, but I try to keep my voice from shaking.

"...I didn't kill anyone."

" _Oh yes, you did. I didn't die because of an injury by years of excessive dancing or falling masonry. I died because you think you can be a master of our future, because you want to be a martyr to your pain..."_

"Those things did happen...I cannot dance anymore, but...I didn't kill you!"

" _Such mawkish nonsense,"_ she says, " _You should've fought harder for Moa's sake."_

The voice from behind that mask is icy cold...

" _How fitting it is for you to come up with the name 'Moimoi'...because it literally means 'good bye'..."_

Cruel...

_"You should have danced until you cannot stand any longer..."_

_..._ and merciless...

" _You have struck the match, and now everything will burn to the ground..."_

The voice from deep inside my mind, reminding me of my biggest, greatest fear of all...

" _And one day, you will kill Moametal too."_

 

* * *

 

Moa is late.

I check my watch and realize that I've been sitting inside the café for one hour.

Realizing that I have mashed the fruit on my plate with a fork in my boredom, I stir the straw in my juice with a long sigh. And here I am wearing the cute new flowery top and shorts I bought just for her.

She did leave a message that she was called for a sudden important meeting for Babymetal.

I asked her where it was held, as if I was going to attend, forgetting that I was no longer a part of it.

I felt stupid.

Moa chuckled and said, "I love you".

I got a bit teary, and the call ended.

Still feeling as bad as ever, I look out the window to the sky.

It is full of dark masses of clouds.

If Moa comes any later than this, we might have to cancel our date in Disneyland today because of rain.

Rain...it was raining when I first realized my feelings for Moa.

Ever since then, it had been a whirlwind of happiness, pain, and struggle as I fought side by side with her in Babymetal.

Those days are now gone forever.

I slowly stand up from my seat, absent-mindedly pay for my food and leave.

If I don't keep myself busy, my mind would wander to places I would rather avoid.

" _Everything is supposed to be okay..."_

I walk aimlessly outside, hoping rain would fall and wash away my sorrows.

" _Then why is it not okay...?"_

None of us are born in Tokyo, but this city is filled with so many memories.

From the very start we built our careers together as young kids.

I still remember how people said our tiny group was the least marketable idea ever devised, but somehow, fate seemed to mark it out for a quick launch into stardom.

I still remember the first time we were taking a look at our album sales, hand in hand, and were told that we were breaking sales records.

I still remember how we hugged together before every show, assuring each other that we will always gave the best there is, for this group that we had made into a phenomenon much greater than anything we could ever imagine.

I still remember gazing at the seas of sparkling stars in Tokyo Dome, all the people that got us to where we were at that moment.

I still remember the practice, the planning, the journey, the hardships, the meeting with various people I never expected before...

But the most magical of all is definitely my meeting with Moa.

It was probably a miracle that among those many children in Amuse Kids class, we chose to be together.

It was probably a miracle how easily I got along with her over the years.

It was probably a miracle that I fell in love with her...

Before I knew it, my legs has brought me to a beach...the place where I confessed my feelings to Moa.

It is still the same as I remember it.

I came just when the bright orange sun was about to hit the water in the horizon.

Standing there bathed in this beautiful act of nature, my mind can't help but be overtaken by a feeling of solitude. I close my eyes and start to hear the soothing sounds of waves brushing against the rocks and sand. The rays of the sun warm up my arms, and a slight breeze keeps brushing strands of hair into my face. I can hear vague piano music coming from an empty resort nearby. Not a single soul is there, a huge contrast from the masses of people that I have left behind in the city. This serene atmosphere under the wild assortment of colors on the clouds above might just be what I need. It is going to rain there by the look of it, but I'm not moving away.

I feel like time is going by so slowly and I'm enjoying every minute of it, the first time I have ever felt this calm ever since the news broke.

I've always loved the sea.

All the problems I have seem inconsequential compared to the huge swaths of the ocean.

When the sun is already halfway swallowed by the water, I hear some footsteps approaching me.

I turn to see the love of my life running toward me, panting heavily and completely out of breath. She looks disheveled, her shirt and jeans look a bit wet, as if she has run in the rain.

"Moa...?"

"Yui...!" she says angrily, "Why didn't you answer your phone? ?"

"Eh?"

"Well, you did, once. Then I heard sounds of waves coming from it and nothing else. So I figured you are here and hit the mark. But not before I had a good look for you everywhere...!"

"Ah," I say to her, "I'm sorry. I must have put it on silent..."

"No matter, but at least tell me something, Miss Master of Disappearance."

I pout at her. "Well, sorry I forgot to do that,  _Miss Late._ "

"It's not my fault!"

I'm not really in the mood to argue, and I know it's not good to just dump my pent up emotions that day on her.

I feel like I have put a match to my relationship with everyone just because I quit.

It's exhausting, but...

It is all my fault.

When I don't reply again, Moa takes a step forward and picks up a small stone from the ground. "Did you come here because you're sad...?" she asks.

"...yeah," I say, "It's okay, I'll get over it."

"That's what you said last time."

She throws the rock into the sea, and it vanishes with a splash.

"You try so hard not to be a bother," she picks up another stone, "You are never a bother."

"And neither are you," I tell her, "Moa."

She makes as if to throw the stone, but keeps it in her hand in the end.

I don't know whether I should say it or not...but I want to ask her.

"You never tell me anything..." I say, "You always keep to yourself."

"...it doesn't really matter."

"It does...!" I grab her arm, trying to make her look at me in the eye, "It does, Moa...please..."

Her head is still turned away from me.

"Sometimes it feels like...you are hiding things. That you are trying your best to smile and make everyone happy," I tell her, "You don't need to do that to me. You know that."

"...The matter in hand doesn't really concern me," she says, "It's about you and the group."

No...

This is what I'm afraid of...

For her to be too selfless for her own good...

Especially in times of crisis, when everyone depends on her...

And she is going to bear it on her own to the point of her having a mental breakdown...

And she would do it over and over again.

Because she is Moa.

Moa that I love so much...

Moa that loves everyone else more than herself...

Moa who marks out a bright, shining outer side for everyone to see, to masterfully bring so much happiness to the masses...even after her partner and her match is gone from her side forever.

Su and the others have probably seen sides of her that I don't, because she seems to be actively hiding them from me.

What do I make of it all...?

"Quit trying to act strong in front of me," I say to her, hoping I am on the mark, "You are...you always..."

But before I can say anything else, she has grabbed hold of both my hands and captured my lips in a deep kiss. It takes all my breath away, and my eyes flutter close as I ease into her warmth and tenderness.

Just as I am about to push further, she suddenly pulls away, and when I open my eyes, I can see tears streaming down her cheeks.

"This is unfair..." she sobs, "Why do you care so much about me? Everyone...everyone is stressed out beyond words, walking around with martyred expression. I just want one person...one person to be happy. To be free. To move forward and no longer look back. And more than anyone else, I want it to be you. But you are just...frustratingly and unapologetically kind. You keep thinking of everyone. You keep thinking of  _me_."

"But I was the one who caused all this."

"Because of something beyond your control...!"

"It isn't. I could've done it differently. I just...I just leave the two of you to fight on your own...!"

"But it's done now, and if anyone still thinks you have to force yourself to perform with that injury I will personally kill them myself...!"

That surprises me, and as I'm still stunned by silence, Moa steps forward, her fingertips brushing the back of my neck as she pulls me into a tight hug.

"I'm sorry...but nothing is more important to me than your health and happiness," she says with a muffled voice, "This is all painful but necessary."

"But I want you to be happy too..."

"We are not kids anymore," she replies, "This is our decision. And our decision is to part ways, on the stage."

She pulls back and stares at me in the eye, her nose gently brushing with mine. "Not everything can last forever."

"Even when I want to be with you forever...?"

Her hazel eyes sparkle under the last rays of the sunset.

"Yes, but..." she says, "For that, I promise I will do  _anything_  in my life to make that happen. I'll even break my back if I need to."

"No, please."

She lets out a tiny laugh. "Oh, Yui, I love you so much..."

"I love you too."

For awhile we don't say anything else to each other. She gives me the biggest smile and when I see those white teeth and dimples I feel like falling deeper into her. Because that is what happens when I'm dating Moa, I keep falling for her all over again. The vague piano music from afar is interspersed with the sounds of waves and create the perfect melody. Caught by this atmosphere, I press up against her, my chest brushing hers, and her hands trace my curves as we sway gently to the music of nature. We move until my body fits along the length of her spine, and Moa can't help but sneak in a sweet kiss.

Moments ago, I wasn't ready to let the matter drop. I still don't know what to make of the future, but she is mesmerizing and kind in a way that is so comforting, so calming, that I want to entrust my whole life in her hands.

_Everything will be okay._

As we hold hands and take a leisurely walk across the empty beach, that is the first time I believe in those words.

We sit down on what we think is the best spot on the sand, watching the waves reaching up to the sand and our bare feet before going back to the seas. It feels like an eternity before Moa speaks again.

"Hey, Yui..."

"Hm...?"

"Remember when we were younger and said stuff like 'Moimoi is forever'...? I feel like saying that again," she chuckles.

That reminds me of my nightmare.

It is silly but...I hate that it still bugs me a little.

"Moa?"

"Yes?"

"You remember that 'moimoi' means 'goodbye', right?"

She pauses a bit before saying, "...I think so...?"

I sigh.

She forgot.

"Yeah, so...I don't think it's a nice..."

"Eh, what are you talking about? You came up with it, so it's nice," she says, giving me a pet on the head, "Just think about it."

She looks up to the sky.

"Our journey right now begins with a 'good bye'," she grins, "The heart of the matter is...even if we say good bye to each other, we are still a team forever. Or as we say it in Sakura Gakuin terms...Yuimetal, no...Mizuno Yui...you have graduated from Babymetal, with full marks, and full honors! Congratulations!"

She pretends to hand me a mike and says, "Your graduation speech, if you please."

I gape at her. "Well, I'm...sorry..."

"Hold it...!" she puts a finger on my mouth, "No more apologizing. You can comment on anything else. Is the pass mark too high? Are the uniforms good? Have the members been treating you well? That kind of stuff is the matter for us."

"Well, I..." I stare at her in confusion.

During graduation speech, we give comments about everything we had been through in the group.

_Eight years it has been..._

No speech can ever describe how we fought against the mass of skeptics together, to become a group that is hailed as a masterpiece from Japan...

No speech can ever describe how painful it is to leave...

No speech can ever describe how hard the coming years would be...and how I can probably never make up for it to Moa and everyone...

Such a thing would leave a mark on anybody.

"I feel..." I say, looking straight into her eyes, "...relieved."

She smiles at me, and it is simply the most bittersweet smile.

"I will miss you forever up there on the stage," she replies, "But we will all keep going together, no matter what lies in the future. We are tough. We can take a beating. We will make up for the lost time and opportunities. That is why we are Babymetal."

"Well..." I say, "I'm not..."

"You always are for me, for us," she interrupts, "Ha...! Bet you think you can leave the past behind! Sorry, it's gonna keep sticking to ya!"

She pokes me in the rib and starts tickling me.

"Wha...Moa...!"

I struggle to get her away from me, but she is persistent. She pushes me down to the sand, tickling my sides, and she doesn't stop until I'm out of breath. I look up to see her eyes staring back to me in concern, her body lying on top of mine.

"Go chase your dream and stop worrying over us, Yui," she says quietly.

"I'd say the same to you," I retort, feeling her hot breathing against my lips.

She has matured into one of the country's finest performers, a maverick idol with mastery of the arts that grow over the years in front of my own eyes.

She has any career she wants on her fingertips, but she believes in living her life in the present to the max.

"Me? I don't even know what I'm going to eat for dinner," she tells me, as her eyes travel across my features before settling on my lips, "It will be alright. This is the path that I have chosen for myself. And Yui..."

"Hm...?"

"Do you know what kind of future that I want the most...?"

I tilt my head. "No...?"

"I'll give you a chance to guess. It's romantic."

And with those words she leans down and seals my mouth with hers. Her lips are so soft, and taste like a mixture of vanilla lip balm and something salty sweet. Wanting more of it, I change my angle and deepen it with a swipe over her bottom lip. She lets out a little moan, granting me access, and I waste no time in going deeper. Short nails scratch at the back of her neck as teeth graze her tongue. I can feel her moving her hips over mine and the sensation is driving me crazy with desire. My arms dip to grab her bottom, pulling her closer against mine. Meanwhile, Moa's hand has reached the belt loops of my shorts.

She looks into my eyes and I give her a breathless, silent permission. With my forehead pressing against her cheek and my arms clinging around her neck, she slowly unbuckles my shorts. I gulp, my hands still gripping on her waist. I know we shouldn't be doing this, right here where anyone can catch us, but my body is practically screaming for her to continue, and I'm already completely lost in her ragged breathing, her impatient whispers, and her hand slowly sliding into my shorts...

"Mmh...!" The strangled moan comes through my clenched jaw. As my toes dig into the sand and my fingers claw against her back, my waist shoots up and squeezes her hand between our hips. Straddling my thighs, she lets out a low whimper before catching my lips again in a searing kiss. Everything about this just makes me want to melt.

And the heat radiating from our bodies is very real.

I can see drops of sweat on her face, and the more we move, the more sand gets stuck on our bodies.

Soon, the itchiness is too much to ignore, and I get worried if sand will also get stuck down there. Moa doesn't seem to mind, she continues to plant kisses all over my body, even ready to strip off my top. But the realization that this might not be a good idea after all overpowers my libido, and I push myself to pull away from Moa.

"Yui...?"

"Moa...this..."

I don't really know how to say it.

What if she gets offended...?

But I can't stop my mouth.

"Moa...I'm sorry but..." I say, already feeling itchy all over, "This is not romantic."

We are silent for a few moments.

Before releasing it all with uncontrollable laughter.

It turns out Moa also feels that making love in the beach in the spur of the moment is not a great idea.

Rain comes falling down afterward, so we run back to the station, still laughing our butts off.

People keep staring when we make toward the train, they probably think we are crazy, as our bodies are a mass of wet sand.

But this is precisely what we need.

A closure. A future. A glimpse of happiness.

That night, when we lie naked on a soft mattress, warm and satisfied, I hear her quietly ask me a question before we fall asleep.

"Yui..."

"Hm...?"

"Will you live with me...?"

I can't remember if I reply to her or not.

But she already knows my answer, even before she opens her mouth to ask.

The two of us are forever.

 

* * *

 

"Hey, Yuimetal..."

_"What is it...?"_

"You are free to go."

_"...do you know what that means?"_

"I hope I'm not off the mark...no...I'll probably make mistakes. This is also probably a mistake. Nobody knows. But I would like to say good bye. And all of us will begin anew."

_"...how do you say good bye?"_

"You have told me before."

_"I would like to hear it."_

"...Is it...moimoi...?"

_"What did she say about it?"_

"That our journey begins with a good bye."

_"...Then I shall wish you the best of luck for your future... Mizuno Yui."_

 

\----The End----


End file.
